This blog is about miscarriage. A topic I never wished to know anything about, never mind enough to write a blog. But if sharing any part of our story and what I've learned from it can help others, then my son's short life will be used for good.
The following blog is specifically going to cover the topic of missed miscarriage. A Missed Miscarriage by definition is "when a baby has died in the womb, but the mother hasn't had any symptoms, such as bleeding or pain. Any miscarriage can cause shock, but a missed miscarriage can be particularly difficult because of the lack of symptoms."
It's been a little over 4 months since we experienced a missed miscarriage. There is nothing you could ever do to prepare yourself for the words "there is no heartbeat" especially when you didn't think anything was wrong with your baby.
See, I went for an ultrasound for some very minimal, spotting. My midwife wanted to rule out problems with the placenta, never did I imagine that there could be something so wrong with our baby. I had been sick with morning (all day) sickness for weeks, I was already showing, not fitting into my non-maternity clothes, experiencing food aversions... Yet in this moment was when we were told our baby had died and I was having a missed miscarriage.
I was wheeled back to my room following the ultrasound and given a few options. I hated all of them. I didn't want to pick or choose how to miscarry my baby, I just wanted him to be alive. Ultimately, I did not have the experience I would have chosen given the circumstances, but I would like to share more about the possible options and outcomes of each.
First off, if you have just been told you're having a missed miscarriage, I am so so sorry. I wish I could give you a hug. I know what it's like to try to process things, never mind think about next steps. I want to share more about options for that next step, starting with what we tried to do at home.
Option one. Wait. Oh this waiting is so painful, just waiting for your body to recognize that the baby had passed away and it's time for them to be delivered, at home. What a horrible thing to have to pray for. "Lord, please let me start bleeding, I just want to get this over with." While also thinking in the back of your mind, "Well, maybe the ultrasound tech was wrong, and the baby IS okay." Or you think, "Maybe we are going to see a miracle here!" But then there is no miracle (at least in the way you'd hoped), and your heart breaks again combined with a feeling of relief and the bleeding begins. Please prepare yourself for a long, painful experience. I cannot sugar coat this. I cannot speak for how this will be for everyone, but at 12 weeks along, my midwife explained to me that I would experience labor. That should have prepared me but it did not. I went into full blown, painful labor. The cervix dilates for miscarriage, which can cause pain as excruciating as that of full-term birth. Contractions, bleeding, pain, confusion, and all for not getting to hold a baby in my arms at the end of it. I know some women will have different feelings about this, but I also wanted to see my baby. If you want to try to see your baby, that is okay and normal! Let me say that again... if you want to try to see your baby, that is okay and normal! You have options with what you can do once your baby is delivered. I used a strainer in the toilet (linked here https://amzn.to/3jHTr5e). Unfortunately, I did not deliver our baby at home, and I needed to go to the hospital (see my blog titled 'Our Miscarriage Story.' for the full story).
That brings me to Option two. A D&C. A d&c is dilation and curation, when a doctor will schedule a time for you to come in and they will remove the baby, placenta, and any tissues, usually while you are under anisticia or given an epidural for the pain. This is an invasive option, but allows you to avoid waiting to deliver your baby on your own as your body is ready as mentioned above. This is ultimately the procedure I needed in order to save my life, due to the excess amount of bleeding and heart rate complications I was experiencing. Please know that whether this option is a last resort or a first choice, that it is okay to make this choice. You will wake up uncomfortable, physically & emotionally. Please take all the time you need to rest and recover.
Next is Option 3. Medication. I do not have experience with this, and I would certainly advise you to research side effects, but medication can be given in order to move things along quicker than if you were to just wait things out at home. This would allow you the opportunity to deliver your baby at home, but without having to wait for your body to be ready to release your baby, as in option one. There are also some herbs which can be used to thin the uterus. These herbs include yarrow, wormwood, motherwort, and blue cohosh. These herbs are uterine stimulants and can induce miscarriage, but be sure to talk with your midwife or doctor about any of these options, whether you're considering medication or herbs.
I am so sorry you've even had to read this. Whatever option you chose, I hope and pray that the Lord surrounds you with his comfort as you endure this terrible suffering and as always, I am available to chat anytime on my Instagram page, Twigs and Sage.
So much love,
xoxo Mackenzie
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